When Approval Trumps Authenticity
Dating back to an ancient Greek inscription, the injunction to 'know thyself' has encouraged people to engage in a search for self-understanding, but what is really meant by “Know thyself?” Applying it personally, I wondered if there was really that much to know? After all, my life up until this point, like most people’s, is easily summarized. We all possess awareness of our own strengths, shortcomings, areas we’d like to work on, etc., but perhaps knowing yourself is much more than this.
As we course through life we intend to do everything right. Sometimes the plan works, sometimes we derail, and sometimes we feel like we’re in the abyss; such is life, right? What about when everything is going well and we still have an uneasiness? Consider this scenario: we have a wonderful partner, kids, a job that most would consider to be ‘good’ or perhaps even ‘great’, bills are getting paid, we go on vacations when time permits, there’s money saved for the nest egg, etc. All things considered, we “should” be pretty gosh darn happy right? But, what if inside you can’t seem to conjure that, “attitude of gratitude?” What if instead of gratitude, there is a nagging, a longing, or perhaps a feeling of void or emptiness?
When feelings like this begin to surface, we go right into beating ourselves up with an inner dialogue that sounds like this: “What’s wrong with me?” “Why am I so unhappy?” “Am I ill?” We may start comparing our lives to others who appear to have it all together. Perhaps to try and feel better, we get impulsive with buying things or taking ‘self-help’ classes. Or we find new projects to take on, spend more time at work, find new hobbies, or worse, stuff our emotions with the use of chemicals to numb us out or engage in other self-sabotaging behaviors.
Depending on your age, some may refer to this as a midlife crisis, but maybe that label has been incorrect all along. Perhaps as you live your life under the guise of what you ‘thought’ you wanted, or perhaps what others wanted for you, you begin to realize something is terribly wrong. Wrong at a cellular level, wrong in the core of your being, wrong in every sense of the word, and yet, here you are….now what?
Perhaps we should call this what it really is, an authenticity crisis. A crisis that doesn’t just plague those in their 40s, give or take, but in younger folks as well. It shows up wrapped in medical labels such as personality disorders, depression, anxiety, and other diagnosis that fall under the umbrella of emotional dysregulation. It manifests as chronic anger, fatigue, stomach disturbances, insomnia or other chronic ailments. When one cannot live from a place of authenticity, then stress takes hold in our minds and bodies. Left ignored, this creates physical and emotional disturbances.
What does authenticity mean? It’s an adjective that resonates with words like, genuine, original, real, actual, true, or dare I say, organic. So, what does it mean then to be an authentic person living an authentic life?
Authentic people are comfortable in their own skin and don’t require approval to feel part of something. They listen to their inner voice; understand the complexities of their feelings; and are able to face up to the truths about themselves even if those truths are uncomfortable or unpleasant. The shadow we know is easier to mitigate and/or resolve than the one that we don’t. We know that people who live more authentically are prone to experience overall well-being. In contrast, people who are alienated from themselves seek answers outside of their gut and look to others for their next right answer. They’re confused about their emotions and may make poor decisions as a result. They believe that if they don’t conform or acquiesce, they will be denied love, acceptance and belonging.
This shift of losing our authenticity often starts when we are children, when we are conditioned to accept authority without questioning it. This state of mind creeps in when we push down our emotions because they were admonished and we weren’t shown healthier methods to express them. It starts in subtle ways when we learned that our true expression is not welcomed and, our intuition cannot possibly be correct and therefore respected because we are too young and cannot possibly know what’s good for us. When this conditioning happens, it can lead to a lifelong struggle of not knowing who we are in a deeper, intuitive and self-loving way. Instead, we look to others to tell us what we should do; we have become conditioned to believe that they know best.
How does one go about creating a shift to live more authentically? Creating a shift that currently exists largely from outside of yourself toward following your authentic self begins by intuitively determining if (insert choice/lifestyle) is life-giving or life-draining.
As you consider which path and/or choice you will take, begin to become keenly aware of how you’re truly feeling and sit with those emotions no matter how uncomfortable they may be. Use breath work to settle yourself when you’re feeling apprehensive or uncomfortable. Think about where these emotions may be stemming from. Are they rising up from how you’ve been conditioned? Are they things you have convinced yourself are true, a story you may have conjured up about a person, situation or event that you’ve embellished? Take notice of how your emotional and physical self responds or reacts when you consider various options or choices. Do you feel uncomfortable, constricted or as though you’re tightening up? If so, this indicates you’re in life-draining mode. Conversely, does it feel comfortable, easy or joyful? If that’s the case, you’re in life-giving mode. Our emotional and physical status is a great barometer and is, more often than not, more accurate than our brain. That’s because our ego, who loves to tell us about how to survive, emotionally and physically, often gets in the way. Knowing this, it becomes important to be mindful of this duality and listen to this wise, inner source where our intuition lies. We’ve all been in a situation of hindsight where we’ve said, “You know, I knew in my gut something was wrong,” or, “I knew I shouldn’t have done (this or that).”
Begin to become more keenly aware of your conditioned tendencies, those parts of you that jump into action when we live a life for others and not ourselves. Those shadows characterized as: People Pleasers; Inner Critics; Taskmaster; Over Achiever; Worrier or; Controller. When this rises up, don’t allow yourself to get into a state of self-loathing, just acknowledge the emotion, be empathetic with yourself and shift your thinking toward why you’re feeling that way. Understand that these traits have formed over time to help you feel safe, loved, accepted and connected and it will take time to shift this pattern. Be kind to yourself as these shadows may resist shifting into a more authentic way of being as your ego convinces you that to feel connection, love and belonging, you must conform; don’t believe those lies. It may take some time to rewire your brain, body and nervous system to live more from a place of calm, ease and flow vs. fight, flight or freeze, but I promise you, the effort and work is worth it. The essence of who you are will never stop calling to you, that is what has created the uneasiness to begin with. It will always beckon and encourage you to open like a flower in springtime. We cannot be who we are not, to do so causes pain.
Edgar Cayce, the father of holistic medicine, said this; "Let us turn within to see if we are being true to ourselves when the temptations arise, as we would appear to the other fellow. We know that we cannot be true to another unless we are first true to self."
Please enjoy this short poem that I wrote about finding your authenticity: The Willow
With much sugar & a lot of soul!
Rhonda
